The motivation of Grace

This last year I have called on the name of the Lord. I have cried out to Him countless times, in tears, frustration, anger, joy, weakness, gratitude – the list of emotions could go on. These last twelve months I have petitioned Jesus Christ to intercede on behalf of my daughter, my marriage, our ministry, sick friends and family, hurting marriages, raging storms of all kinds.  Sometimes the events of this life invite our full participation in how they unfold and sometimes they just happen completely out of our control. A little over a year ago the latter came knocking on our door.

I remember sitting at my kitchen table, tears streaming down my face, anger burning in the pit of my stomach, confusion and helplessness overwhelming me. Nathan had just taken our sweet three year old Rosy to be admitted to the hospital for uncontrolled seizures.  As a parent this has to be one of the worst experiences I have ever encountered; the complete and utter loss of being able to help my child or control any variables that were making her sick. I felt panic, instinctively wanting to call Nathan, or my mom or just anyone to ease the spiralling thoughts going through my head. But the reality struck stiffly, that no words from anyone here on earth could change Rosyn’s situation. There was no definite answer or intervention that we knew to try that would give us the results we wanted.

Rosyn in the BC Childrens Hospital February 2014

I remember sitting at that table in the middle of the day, completely at a loss of what to do and I closed my eyes. I found my mind remembering stories of people scattered throughout the bible that had been in distress and crisis and their response was often to cry out to God. Taking after these examples was a strange thought, to sit there right where I was and start talking – well more yelling - in the height of all my disconcerted, raging emotions to God, but the Holy Spirit was impressing upon me to do just that. I remember taking the time to question and ask in doubt and annoyance how this could possibly be what I was supposed to do in that moment. There was no specific revelation as to why this would help - but simply that was what God wanted me to do, even what He was asking me to do. He wanted me to invite Him into my distress.  He was not going to barge into my weary and burdened state uninvited. He wanted me to cry out to him for help. And so I did just that.

I remember up until that point feeling quite reluctant to bother God with my honest and very raw emotions – I would bother Him once I had it under control. I didn't believe that He wanted me to unload all my confusion and anger at what was happening to Rosyn. Guilt told me to cling to every illusion that I had it together on the outside, even before my all knowing God! As a maturing Christian – a missionary no less, I should have been feeling emotions much more admirable, I should have been the picture of hope and strength.  As I thought through my logic, I realized the opposite was actually true, God wanted me to bring to Him my deepest emotion, my anger and all, not with a manner or heart of disrespect but out of a place of my honest living flesh – for He had created my inmost being, He had created my very flesh and knew far better than anyone how to handle my every thought and concern. Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And so I decided to surrender in that moment, come before God instead of man and cry out. I don’t remember exactly what I said; I just remember feeling liberated to finally get real and honest with God.

Rosyn Spring 2015! Praise Jesus

God did not heal Rosyn on that day. But I cried out to God and he heard my cry. He did not give me all the answers I wanted. But he did answer me. After pouring my heart out to him, right in the middle of the day, sitting at my kitchen table, I felt better. I had not called Nathan or my mom, or anyone else. I had called upon the name of the Lord and he saved me from the pit of despair I was falling into. It is from my very own authentic and honest experience that God lifted my spirits that day; He renewed my resolve to believe that He was in control and had Rosyn in the very palm of His hand. Happiness was quite the opposite of how I felt that day, but strangely I did feel hope and joy; only God.

And so I can tell you; I have called on the name of the Lord. I have been given this undeserved, totally unprecedented privilege to call on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. There is no greater ease or peace or release of burden, than to call on the name of the Lord in times of trouble and find a very real response. As I drew nearer to Him – He not only drew nearer to me, He washed over me songs of joy which filled my heart when I should only have felt sorrow and despair. He brought to life verses from His word that ministered to my heart, words that I clung to and words that I still have etched throughout my home.  And in the year to come, as my cries continued, he gave my family and I comfort through his presence and through an army of friends and family. He surrounded our aching clan in unending chains of prayer. These precious gifts which have preserved my very soul were made tangible because I was able to call on the name of the Lord my God.

Can you see the excitement???

Little Princess celebrating her 4th birthday!

This last year I have struggled with the idea of sharing these moments, of revealing intimate times in my journey with God. I have asked myself the question, 'how can the out of control emotions of a mother, and God’s response to her hold any relevance in telling the story of her sick child?' I don’t believe Rosyn’s health concerns were meant to happen for a reason or were purposed to grow my faith, but I do believe that God had much to teach me in how to trust him through the situation.  My hope is that as I share bits from my experience in crying out to God that He would use it for His glory; that other’s would hear and know that they too can call out to God and He will answer. God gave me, Rosyn’s mother; the where with all to face in strength, hope, compassion and love every high and every low lived out by Rosyn. He reached out to help me at my point of despair and hopelessness, and equipped me with the perseverance to pray like mad for my daughter for multiple hours each day during the months when her illness was at its worst.  So as I have cried out to the Lord and found help personally, we have with great thanksgiving and praise also witnessed God bring healing and answer prayer for the stability of Rosyn’s epilepsy. Crying out to God that day marked just the very step He was longing for in the journey I was embarking upon as Rosyn's mom, an invitation to be Lord over every situation in our lives.

As I emphasize the sheer grace and gift it is to call on the name of the Lord I am struck by these words I read on Easter Sunday this last weekend, found in David Platt's book Radical. Platt quotes a fellow missionary living in a place where it is illegal to spread the word of God, “How many people have not believed because they have not heard? What will it take for those people to hear? Have they not heard because there is no one to tell them? What can we do, in obedience to God, to change a world in which there are millions and millions of people who cannot call on the name of the Lord?” And this question plunged straight to the depths of my heart; what can I do for the millions and millions who cannot call on the very name of Jesus Christ himself because they have never even heard His name?

It is completely incomprehensible to think about how my family would have made it through this last year without being able to call on the name of the Lord. I cannot begin to fathom what I would have done without the Helper, the Sustainer and the Healer to call upon for my daughter. Funny how words on a page can affect our souls and the words from this particular missionary in Platt's book did just that. Like a new Christian, stunned to think about their life without Christ, I am brought back to the same place of contemplating my life without having this amazing outlet to call on the Lord. And I am compelled to enter in to the devastating reality that there are hundreds of millions around the world who live and die without even having the chance to call on His name.

Easter Sunday 2015 - The easter bunny was good to us!

This challenging read by David Platt, went on to beg the question, what are we doing to bring the gospel to those who have never heard – to those who have no knowledge that in the staunch despair of this spinning world that they can stand upon the promise that when they call upon the name of the Lord - they will be saved (Romans 10:13). As Paul teaches, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? (Romans 10: 13-15).

It is plain to see that these concepts in Platt’s book are not novel ideas; they are echoed thousands of years earlier by Paul and were inspired by the very God who lets me call upon His name. So as I reflect over the roller coaster of grace this last year I am reminded by modern day and century old Christian writers what it is I am to do with the grace God has given me. His grace is no gift by which I have any right to keep to myself. So begs the question how do I carry this Jesus gospel to those who have not heard, how do I preach so that others who do not otherwise know – may call upon the name of the Lord? Nathan and I are working hard to answer the “how” in our own lives while humbly trying to ask God what could be standing in the way of our full participation?

Grace
Sisters who have a lot of love to share!

As Platt penned in his book, Radical, “There must be more to this American gospel – that has become, “accept the freely offered salvation of Jesus Christ, let his grace wash away all your sin and then live the remainder of your every breath pursuing a nice life”. Nathan and I are uneasy at the thought of living by a North American gospel but we have not been immune to it. We confess the temptation to live a mediocre faith and nice life is very real. But when we re-orientate ourselves to the truth of the Jesus gospel, we fully believe we are all called to be a part of God’s global delivery of His grace and salvation especially to those places with no viable way to hear the Jesus gospel. With this propelling wave of motivation crashing upon our hearts, we too would love to inspire fellow sojourners in Christ, to stay participants in how God can use them, to ask the hard questions about how God would have them be involved in taking Christ to the least reached, to not scare away from the sacrifice and cost but to embrace it and search for achievable means by which we can support one another to live radically for Jesus’ gospel.

Nathan Staffing the 1st ever Vancouver YWAM Spring DTS

The events that have happened this last year have challenged me beyond what I thought I could handle and have brought me to a place of what now...how do I move forward, how do I and my family take the cards we have been given and serve the Lord? Rosyn's journey could reach far beyond a testimony that changed my life. If I could be so willing, Rosyn's story could be the beginning of the manifest passion to see Nations call upon the name of the Lord. Crying out to Jesus has not been my first taste of God's amazing grace and I hope not the last! But I pray that this encounter will be the spark that lights a fire in my soul; to live a radical life with an insatiable appetite to see Nations call upon the name of Jesus – for there is no greater name.

By grace alone.

Jenny